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MONSTER TURD
I just had possibly one of the biggest shits known to mankind, and yeh..thats a pretty big claim right there. Im sure if you went back through history and hung around at various bog squatting spots you would no doubt find some extraordinarily sized lumps of man waste being consumed by hundreds of shit crazed flies. I mean..those Neanderthal fuks were only eating lumps of huge fuk off mammoth, unchewed owing to the lack of dental offices and thus no teeth at an early age and then washing it down with sabre tooth guts and probably polishing and keeping their larger turds as some sort of fukn man symbol! And in some wacky religions the shit is kept as a measure of power..Fear thee ..Here cometh the mightiest of the turd passers! ..So on reflection i will put mine in the top 100 at least.Its a fair call. So what brought this on you ask..?
Something as simple as the all meat Pizza Capers pizza plus more meat with the bonus option of even more meat. Hollandaise sauce on top to add some colour to this animal infested many slices of roundness. So i snacked into this bad boy and by piece two i was rather full..surprisingly. It felt like i just ate two dogs with a side order of 1 cow a pig , a small unknown furless marsupial and possible a breasted pidgeon. I managed one more piece before confirming i was full and then swished down some blood orange fizzy juice..bad choice as i hate blood oranges so why the fuk would i like it in liquid form?? Anyway so i passed by my standard morning shit time and thought nothing of it and then at smoko i ate 1 more piece of meat with meat on meat that i had wrapped and brought to work. So just before lunch the gut kicked in with the old..dude..shit outbound message..5 minute warning to launch.I dismissed the feeling and continued in my exciting paper entering task until i felt the drop..man..that felt big ..i thought. So starting to feel uncomfortable but trying to hold off having to enter the ‘Urinal of a Thousand Cocks ‘ before lunch..yes , it does smell that bad, i waited a few more minutes.
Then i started sweating and realised i was clenching my ass and really needed to go or this bad boy was just going to roll out whether i wanted it to or not..and fucked if i was going to clean up the mess when it hit the floor and none of these other lazy idiots here would even notice there was a turd on the floor that needed cleaning . So i entered the ‘Urinal of a Thousand Cocks’ , made sure i had dunny paper, wiped ‘the seat of 500 skid marks’ and proceeded about my business. Just 1 minute ago this soon to be ass demon was ready to run out of my ass like a fukn torpedo from a nazi submarine and now it is playing hide and seek.WTF. So i played the game and pretended to look at the wall as i f i was just there for a rest or possibly some nap time. Then it started to move..
...slowly at first..you know how when you have a shit and you feel the stretch factor on those bigger ones as it gets to the middle ? and then it passes and you go like ..thank fuk..for a moment there that was getting scary..well this kept on stretching..it got to a point where i thought i may have to name it as surely i was going to be the first male to give birth to a fucking mini human, from my ass ! Just when i thought i was going to have to spread my legs and lean back like sheilas do in the fukn hospital..it passed..not snapped off , just passed the massive thick part...i wiped some sweat of my face and stopped worrying about ass rippage and started grabbing for some paper ..i was sure the tail of this conquered beast was a mere second away..but no..incredulously..it started to thicken again..i braced against the side wall and felt my eyes widen in disbelief..wtf was this ? The demon spawn shit..straight form the murky depths of turd hell..and in the dunny of a thousand cocks it was venting on me. So i pushed this fucker and accepted the stretching of the ass, anything to get it the fuk out and into the waiting depths below. Then it slowed..not thinned out..just slowed..wtf. If i pushed any harder i was going to pop a fucking nostril ! I could feel the blood behind my eyes pulsing..then i tucked my head down between my legs and grabbed my ass cheeks on either side and separated my crack as much as i could..that finished the fucker..sliiiiiiiiide ...and as a last goodbye it grimly hung on at its tail bit..i shook my ass and it released and plunged down below, splashing my ass and sounding like a besa brick being thrown in a pool ..i quickly looked in the bowl but just caught a glimpse of a brown shadow as it launched up the s bend and out of view..no doubt heading for its natural habitat..the sewer.
I wiped..suprisingly not a mark..a phantom shit.The rarest of them all.I sat for a moment and gathered myself before attempting to stand , all in all i felt ok..but even now a few hours later my ass is still a bit tender and weird, sort of like they have grafted someone elses ass on my body. Like when you have a pull with your left hand and not your right..its ok..just a bit strange. I was thinking of ringing Pizza Capers and asking they had camel on their meat with meat and double meat more pizza ..coz that fucker had two lumps on the way out.
Heartily recommend the pizza though, not bad at all :)
btw , the above meat pizza shot is not the correct pizza, the actual pizza would shame it into hiding for its lack of meat.
Feb 15 2012.
Something as simple as the all meat Pizza Capers pizza plus more meat with the bonus option of even more meat. Hollandaise sauce on top to add some colour to this animal infested many slices of roundness. So i snacked into this bad boy and by piece two i was rather full..surprisingly. It felt like i just ate two dogs with a side order of 1 cow a pig , a small unknown furless marsupial and possible a breasted pidgeon. I managed one more piece before confirming i was full and then swished down some blood orange fizzy juice..bad choice as i hate blood oranges so why the fuk would i like it in liquid form?? Anyway so i passed by my standard morning shit time and thought nothing of it and then at smoko i ate 1 more piece of meat with meat on meat that i had wrapped and brought to work. So just before lunch the gut kicked in with the old..dude..shit outbound message..5 minute warning to launch.I dismissed the feeling and continued in my exciting paper entering task until i felt the drop..man..that felt big ..i thought. So starting to feel uncomfortable but trying to hold off having to enter the ‘Urinal of a Thousand Cocks ‘ before lunch..yes , it does smell that bad, i waited a few more minutes.
Then i started sweating and realised i was clenching my ass and really needed to go or this bad boy was just going to roll out whether i wanted it to or not..and fucked if i was going to clean up the mess when it hit the floor and none of these other lazy idiots here would even notice there was a turd on the floor that needed cleaning . So i entered the ‘Urinal of a Thousand Cocks’ , made sure i had dunny paper, wiped ‘the seat of 500 skid marks’ and proceeded about my business. Just 1 minute ago this soon to be ass demon was ready to run out of my ass like a fukn torpedo from a nazi submarine and now it is playing hide and seek.WTF. So i played the game and pretended to look at the wall as i f i was just there for a rest or possibly some nap time. Then it started to move..
...slowly at first..you know how when you have a shit and you feel the stretch factor on those bigger ones as it gets to the middle ? and then it passes and you go like ..thank fuk..for a moment there that was getting scary..well this kept on stretching..it got to a point where i thought i may have to name it as surely i was going to be the first male to give birth to a fucking mini human, from my ass ! Just when i thought i was going to have to spread my legs and lean back like sheilas do in the fukn hospital..it passed..not snapped off , just passed the massive thick part...i wiped some sweat of my face and stopped worrying about ass rippage and started grabbing for some paper ..i was sure the tail of this conquered beast was a mere second away..but no..incredulously..it started to thicken again..i braced against the side wall and felt my eyes widen in disbelief..wtf was this ? The demon spawn shit..straight form the murky depths of turd hell..and in the dunny of a thousand cocks it was venting on me. So i pushed this fucker and accepted the stretching of the ass, anything to get it the fuk out and into the waiting depths below. Then it slowed..not thinned out..just slowed..wtf. If i pushed any harder i was going to pop a fucking nostril ! I could feel the blood behind my eyes pulsing..then i tucked my head down between my legs and grabbed my ass cheeks on either side and separated my crack as much as i could..that finished the fucker..sliiiiiiiiide ...and as a last goodbye it grimly hung on at its tail bit..i shook my ass and it released and plunged down below, splashing my ass and sounding like a besa brick being thrown in a pool ..i quickly looked in the bowl but just caught a glimpse of a brown shadow as it launched up the s bend and out of view..no doubt heading for its natural habitat..the sewer.
I wiped..suprisingly not a mark..a phantom shit.The rarest of them all.I sat for a moment and gathered myself before attempting to stand , all in all i felt ok..but even now a few hours later my ass is still a bit tender and weird, sort of like they have grafted someone elses ass on my body. Like when you have a pull with your left hand and not your right..its ok..just a bit strange. I was thinking of ringing Pizza Capers and asking they had camel on their meat with meat and double meat more pizza ..coz that fucker had two lumps on the way out.
Heartily recommend the pizza though, not bad at all :)
btw , the above meat pizza shot is not the correct pizza, the actual pizza would shame it into hiding for its lack of meat.
Feb 15 2012.
DRIVING IN BRISBANE
I leave work at 4.05 , normally leaving at 4.30 or so i think..give myself an early mark for the day.
Wrong call dickwad.
I have made it halfway home when the motorway clags , three lanes of non movement. Fine. Plug in the iphone and crank some tunes, wind down the window and feel Mother Nature as it is starting to rain slightly..ahhhh lovely. Nothing like listening to some heavy metal riffage whilst feeling the pitter patter of fairy rain.
The traffic has not moved for ages..i look ahead but cannot see any carnage, no usual slow spot where the humans always rubber neck the smallest thing..' OH LOOK ITS A FRIKIKIN SMALL BROWN LUMP ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD ! " slow down to 5 k's an hour in the fast lane which means every other FUCKDOG will do the same and cause traffic chaos for nought.You fekken idiots.Go home and watch Master Chef or Survivor 57 and get the fuk off the motorway.
Slight jerky movements and i have almost made it to the front of the next set of lights..yes. Looking ahead i can see the fastest moving lane and sit poised to make a dash for it..but no , just before the lights change a truck sluggishly moves into the only moving lane. You fukhead. Of course i realize the boxes of hoseclamps and chinese dinner sets are a most important part of our economy so go ahead sir and FUK SHIT UP even more. I try not to flip my shit.
The lights change and i stay in my lane as they are all fucked now anyway thanks to Mr i own the fukn road at 4 kilometres per hour uphill whilst listening to Garth fukn Brooks choke a microphone. Hey.. why dont you move over a bit more and take up all three lanes you fucking road hog!.is what i would have said if he wasnt four hundred kilos and didnt smell like a four month dead fukn horse. Its ok i dont hate all truckies..just the dumb ones :) I of course realize they hate everything else on the road besides other truckies..its a mentality thing that you have to forgive. Its not their fault that our roads are pathetically shit and getting worse every day as we build more and more suburbs feeding into the city with little thought for the existing travel chaos.
Hey we need more houses! Where are we gonna put em ..?? I know, lets find the most jammed fucked up road with no side feeders or exits ..drop a whole fucking new suburb at the end of it and add in a bunch of fucking lights! Then for shits and gigles lets charge these fuckers to drive on it..add a toll my man. Then put up signs everywhere about how we are spending all of their money on rebuilding the future of Australian roads..fuk yeh, they will eat it up.
Day 6
These fucking lights! I have moved half the length of the motorway listened to all of my music until it blurred into meaningless babble and all started sounding like Chad. Watched a guy in a commodore become enraged and flip his finger at several cars whilst dropping skids in first gear at every opportunity, it amuses me greatly and breaks the boredom.The traffic has slowed to a stop to look at several brown lumps on the side of the road and once because a car was pulled over in the break down lane. Gripping stuff. Several times i could have gladly blasted the heads off the drivers concerned and whistled merrily while doing so. I have a bad urge to piss and wonder what would happen if i got out and just tore my gear off in the middle of the traffic and started pissing on people's windows. This thought also amuses me and i laugh aloud..not rofl or roflma just a simple lol.
Day 13
Rage.I can feel it.The old couple behind me are getting on my nerves. They sit right on my rear end ..so close its like they are my rear seat passengers, fuk you nan and pop. I seriously need to piss and they look weak enough that if i sprung out and started pissing through the drivers window i think i could get most of it in in one big spurt before they managed to wind up. But then again, he might be a Korean or Vietnam war vet and possibly also possess ninja/pirate skillz thus fucking my shit up. I sit and look at them sternly. Every time the car in front of me moves i wait until there is a four car gap before i do, someone will usually slide in that gap and i smirk as i know they think that the lane is moving faster than the other one. Wrong dickcheese..its actually exactly the same. Commodore boy has stopped dropping skids and has his arm hanging out the window with his cap on backwards, hip hop punching out of his stereo. I dont mind hip hop..but the cap makes him look like a fuckwit, i wish for a gun again.
Day 22
My beard has grown to the steering wheel and i am having small hallucinatory moments......... A FUCKING ZEBRA!! no..just a chip packet in the wind..To keep myself awake i have started waving at the people who drive past me slowly and saying HEY CHAD! ( if they have a nickleback looking face) or HEY WHITNEY! (if they are overly tanned ) ..some wave back, some just stare straight ahead as if hearing nothing and others look furtively at me. A small child looks back out of the wagon in front and i bare my teeth and start biting the wheel then pull a screwdriver out of the glovebox and point it at him..he looks weirdly at me , then when i start stabbing the dash he goes white and turns around. Punk.
Day 28
I beat my fists repetitively against the dash in tune with Phil Collins 'Something in the Air Tonight' whilst chanting KILL DEVIL DEATH! KILL DEVIL DEATH!
Day 30
Where am i
....Here my son..
WHA...?
You are here with me...
wha tha fuk..who is this ?? ....
its Jesus you snottin fuktard! ..
oh ..you sounded like Chad from Nickleback, what do you want?
..i want you to repent my son..
oh that, yeh im sorry...
sorry for what my son?....
i promise never to listen to Phil Collins ever again...
good lad, enjoy your drive..
Day 33
HOLY FUK ! I SEE MY EXIT ! my beard has overgrown my lips and nose, i struggle to breath and have had to stick a straw in each nostril. My dash is a mess as i have eaten all of the padding and had a good go at the gauges as well. My ass has long since departed my body as a feeling part of me and a line of drool runs down my chest.I look like i normally do when i wake up..but i havent gone to sleep. The car smells like an aborted african safari as a family of possums have taken up residence in the rear wheel well.I named them all Chad.
Day 33 1/2
Home...i am home. I walk upstairs, my beard flung over my shoulder, my clothes long since rotted off , my privates covered with the tin foil from my sandwich lunch. My ass puckering as feeling kicks back in, stinging like the pain of 428 needles being poked deeply in each cheek, after being heated over a fire, and dipped in salty mustard, the expensive kind that i cannot afford after tolls.
I realize i have left my house keys at work.
My shriek scares the birds from the trees. In Alaska.
Wrong call dickwad.
I have made it halfway home when the motorway clags , three lanes of non movement. Fine. Plug in the iphone and crank some tunes, wind down the window and feel Mother Nature as it is starting to rain slightly..ahhhh lovely. Nothing like listening to some heavy metal riffage whilst feeling the pitter patter of fairy rain.
The traffic has not moved for ages..i look ahead but cannot see any carnage, no usual slow spot where the humans always rubber neck the smallest thing..' OH LOOK ITS A FRIKIKIN SMALL BROWN LUMP ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD ! " slow down to 5 k's an hour in the fast lane which means every other FUCKDOG will do the same and cause traffic chaos for nought.You fekken idiots.Go home and watch Master Chef or Survivor 57 and get the fuk off the motorway.
Slight jerky movements and i have almost made it to the front of the next set of lights..yes. Looking ahead i can see the fastest moving lane and sit poised to make a dash for it..but no , just before the lights change a truck sluggishly moves into the only moving lane. You fukhead. Of course i realize the boxes of hoseclamps and chinese dinner sets are a most important part of our economy so go ahead sir and FUK SHIT UP even more. I try not to flip my shit.
The lights change and i stay in my lane as they are all fucked now anyway thanks to Mr i own the fukn road at 4 kilometres per hour uphill whilst listening to Garth fukn Brooks choke a microphone. Hey.. why dont you move over a bit more and take up all three lanes you fucking road hog!.is what i would have said if he wasnt four hundred kilos and didnt smell like a four month dead fukn horse. Its ok i dont hate all truckies..just the dumb ones :) I of course realize they hate everything else on the road besides other truckies..its a mentality thing that you have to forgive. Its not their fault that our roads are pathetically shit and getting worse every day as we build more and more suburbs feeding into the city with little thought for the existing travel chaos.
Hey we need more houses! Where are we gonna put em ..?? I know, lets find the most jammed fucked up road with no side feeders or exits ..drop a whole fucking new suburb at the end of it and add in a bunch of fucking lights! Then for shits and gigles lets charge these fuckers to drive on it..add a toll my man. Then put up signs everywhere about how we are spending all of their money on rebuilding the future of Australian roads..fuk yeh, they will eat it up.
Day 6
These fucking lights! I have moved half the length of the motorway listened to all of my music until it blurred into meaningless babble and all started sounding like Chad. Watched a guy in a commodore become enraged and flip his finger at several cars whilst dropping skids in first gear at every opportunity, it amuses me greatly and breaks the boredom.The traffic has slowed to a stop to look at several brown lumps on the side of the road and once because a car was pulled over in the break down lane. Gripping stuff. Several times i could have gladly blasted the heads off the drivers concerned and whistled merrily while doing so. I have a bad urge to piss and wonder what would happen if i got out and just tore my gear off in the middle of the traffic and started pissing on people's windows. This thought also amuses me and i laugh aloud..not rofl or roflma just a simple lol.
Day 13
Rage.I can feel it.The old couple behind me are getting on my nerves. They sit right on my rear end ..so close its like they are my rear seat passengers, fuk you nan and pop. I seriously need to piss and they look weak enough that if i sprung out and started pissing through the drivers window i think i could get most of it in in one big spurt before they managed to wind up. But then again, he might be a Korean or Vietnam war vet and possibly also possess ninja/pirate skillz thus fucking my shit up. I sit and look at them sternly. Every time the car in front of me moves i wait until there is a four car gap before i do, someone will usually slide in that gap and i smirk as i know they think that the lane is moving faster than the other one. Wrong dickcheese..its actually exactly the same. Commodore boy has stopped dropping skids and has his arm hanging out the window with his cap on backwards, hip hop punching out of his stereo. I dont mind hip hop..but the cap makes him look like a fuckwit, i wish for a gun again.
Day 22
My beard has grown to the steering wheel and i am having small hallucinatory moments......... A FUCKING ZEBRA!! no..just a chip packet in the wind..To keep myself awake i have started waving at the people who drive past me slowly and saying HEY CHAD! ( if they have a nickleback looking face) or HEY WHITNEY! (if they are overly tanned ) ..some wave back, some just stare straight ahead as if hearing nothing and others look furtively at me. A small child looks back out of the wagon in front and i bare my teeth and start biting the wheel then pull a screwdriver out of the glovebox and point it at him..he looks weirdly at me , then when i start stabbing the dash he goes white and turns around. Punk.
Day 28
I beat my fists repetitively against the dash in tune with Phil Collins 'Something in the Air Tonight' whilst chanting KILL DEVIL DEATH! KILL DEVIL DEATH!
Day 30
Where am i
....Here my son..
WHA...?
You are here with me...
wha tha fuk..who is this ?? ....
its Jesus you snottin fuktard! ..
oh ..you sounded like Chad from Nickleback, what do you want?
..i want you to repent my son..
oh that, yeh im sorry...
sorry for what my son?....
i promise never to listen to Phil Collins ever again...
good lad, enjoy your drive..
Day 33
HOLY FUK ! I SEE MY EXIT ! my beard has overgrown my lips and nose, i struggle to breath and have had to stick a straw in each nostril. My dash is a mess as i have eaten all of the padding and had a good go at the gauges as well. My ass has long since departed my body as a feeling part of me and a line of drool runs down my chest.I look like i normally do when i wake up..but i havent gone to sleep. The car smells like an aborted african safari as a family of possums have taken up residence in the rear wheel well.I named them all Chad.
Day 33 1/2
Home...i am home. I walk upstairs, my beard flung over my shoulder, my clothes long since rotted off , my privates covered with the tin foil from my sandwich lunch. My ass puckering as feeling kicks back in, stinging like the pain of 428 needles being poked deeply in each cheek, after being heated over a fire, and dipped in salty mustard, the expensive kind that i cannot afford after tolls.
I realize i have left my house keys at work.
My shriek scares the birds from the trees. In Alaska.
MAINSTREAM...YAAAAAAAWWWWN.
Lets define it first..
Mainstream music denotes music that is familiar and unthreatening to the masses .
Unluckily i am surrounded by the masses who want only familiarity and to feel unthreatened. So its bon jovi, Toto, queen, crowded house,nickleback, matchbox20, britney etc..back to back all day long, every day..day in..day out. And of course the greatest new hit!! Which by the end of the week after 72 plays a day is about as new and fresh as my fifth grade undies.One of the things about this though is the inner joy i get when one of the lads hears a song that is played every day and goes ..MAN..I LOVE THIS SONG!! ...sheeesh. They are so programmed, they may not even have liked the song originally but the force feeding has them convinced this is the way music must be.
Let me unravel a typical day on the radio..
....this is (insert standard radio freq in current city) ROCKIN YOUR DIAL WITH 30 MINUTES OF NOOOON STOOOOOP HITS! (its the same stuff we play everday but mixed around a bit, even the odd 80's track we throw in is the same regurgetated song we play every other day) THE NUMBER 1 STATION IN (insert town here,followed by cheesy supposedly witty remark that is about as funny as a day in the amazon wrapped in steak) THE NEW HIT FROM ( insert three month old song that plays every day) LETS ROOOOOCK!!!! ( 30 minutes of music with 25 minutes of ads and 3 minutes of news that is normally about who is porking who in hollywood) LOVE THAT STAAAAAAATTTION!!! THERE IS NO ONE LIKE US!!! followed by two minutes of inane dribble about some funny (see amazon theory) thing that happened to them on the way to work followed by riotous laughter..repeat ad nauseam.
I stood and listened this morning to a station i used to hear at another work place in 2002 (its currently 2012, the end of the world year) and the first song i heard was Nickleback, one of Chads ( the paddle pop lion) songs from from around 2002, followed by Bon jovi..then one of the aforementioned lads wandered in and was like..man..THIS IS CLASSIC ! fuk me. i had no words and just wandered away. I didnt hang around to listen to the upcoming and no doubt extremely witty and constantly hilarious early morning DJ banter ..DJs with brilliant names like Abby , Labby and Stav..really ? Can you imagine the brainstorming session behind that..phenomenal.
Speaking of Nickleback..do you know he actually sat down and studied mainstream songs to come up with a hit? Seriously, he dissected hit songs and came up with a structure, relationships, universal subjects and memorable hooks..and thus was born 'How You Remind Me'. Kudos for the thinking and following through of his theory and proving it in practice..but unkudos for constantly repeating it in every song ever since and not going out of his comfort zone musically.But he really sussed out what the sheeple wanted to listen to every day and gave it to them on a big soppy silver platter, and they ate it..and still do.
Many a mainstream fight have i had in many many workplaces..even about Metallica..and i love their shit, but remember when the black album came out and all of sudden it was Enter Sandman radio ? Well as far as radio stations are concerned the only songs they ever sang were Unforgiven , Enter Sandman and Nothing Else Matters.Metal was finally brought to radio stations which was a good thing as it had been banging at the door for years but was never let in..but now 20 odd years on and hearing Enter Sandman at least once a week ...still , and generally on ROCKIN FRIDAY ! along with the standard Van Halen JUMP ..ugh..just reinforces my belief that radio stations and their mainstream target audience is in general brain dead and loves repetitiveness , the guys at work prove this everday, one of them is actually singing along now to Pink, another wonder of the airwaves with at least 10 plays a week on all three mainstream stations here in Brisbane.
Another fine example of mainstream radio and its killing of songs was Gotye's song 'Someone that i used to know' , now i wasnt a big fan to start of with, just a bit too poppy and repetetive , all of the mainstream stations here picked it up and i heard it playing , on the stations AT THE SAME FUKN TIME! wtf ? Many days i heard it three times between 6.30 am and 4 pm.Now... i don't harbour any resentment for Gotye, in fact i liked his earlier stuff years ago, but if i saw him i could quite happily punch him in the ear.Repetitively.
Is there a solution ?
Well.. one place i worked at , large workshop with about 40-50 guys, was a constant music battle , mainstream versing non mainstream indie/unknown/up and coming new local artist type station. Solution. after everyone went home..one of the guys went around and glued the knobs of all the radios to the indie station, problem solved :)
I recommend tarzans grip (tm) ..and lots of it, really glue that knob, dont be sparing , let it dribble all the way down inside so there is no chance that Chad and his friends will ever get any airplay in your ear, or just be happy with what the mainstream radio forcefeeds and eat it up like its Groundhog Day.
Mainstream music denotes music that is familiar and unthreatening to the masses .
Unluckily i am surrounded by the masses who want only familiarity and to feel unthreatened. So its bon jovi, Toto, queen, crowded house,nickleback, matchbox20, britney etc..back to back all day long, every day..day in..day out. And of course the greatest new hit!! Which by the end of the week after 72 plays a day is about as new and fresh as my fifth grade undies.One of the things about this though is the inner joy i get when one of the lads hears a song that is played every day and goes ..MAN..I LOVE THIS SONG!! ...sheeesh. They are so programmed, they may not even have liked the song originally but the force feeding has them convinced this is the way music must be.
Let me unravel a typical day on the radio..
....this is (insert standard radio freq in current city) ROCKIN YOUR DIAL WITH 30 MINUTES OF NOOOON STOOOOOP HITS! (its the same stuff we play everday but mixed around a bit, even the odd 80's track we throw in is the same regurgetated song we play every other day) THE NUMBER 1 STATION IN (insert town here,followed by cheesy supposedly witty remark that is about as funny as a day in the amazon wrapped in steak) THE NEW HIT FROM ( insert three month old song that plays every day) LETS ROOOOOCK!!!! ( 30 minutes of music with 25 minutes of ads and 3 minutes of news that is normally about who is porking who in hollywood) LOVE THAT STAAAAAAATTTION!!! THERE IS NO ONE LIKE US!!! followed by two minutes of inane dribble about some funny (see amazon theory) thing that happened to them on the way to work followed by riotous laughter..repeat ad nauseam.
I stood and listened this morning to a station i used to hear at another work place in 2002 (its currently 2012, the end of the world year) and the first song i heard was Nickleback, one of Chads ( the paddle pop lion) songs from from around 2002, followed by Bon jovi..then one of the aforementioned lads wandered in and was like..man..THIS IS CLASSIC ! fuk me. i had no words and just wandered away. I didnt hang around to listen to the upcoming and no doubt extremely witty and constantly hilarious early morning DJ banter ..DJs with brilliant names like Abby , Labby and Stav..really ? Can you imagine the brainstorming session behind that..phenomenal.
Speaking of Nickleback..do you know he actually sat down and studied mainstream songs to come up with a hit? Seriously, he dissected hit songs and came up with a structure, relationships, universal subjects and memorable hooks..and thus was born 'How You Remind Me'. Kudos for the thinking and following through of his theory and proving it in practice..but unkudos for constantly repeating it in every song ever since and not going out of his comfort zone musically.But he really sussed out what the sheeple wanted to listen to every day and gave it to them on a big soppy silver platter, and they ate it..and still do.
Many a mainstream fight have i had in many many workplaces..even about Metallica..and i love their shit, but remember when the black album came out and all of sudden it was Enter Sandman radio ? Well as far as radio stations are concerned the only songs they ever sang were Unforgiven , Enter Sandman and Nothing Else Matters.Metal was finally brought to radio stations which was a good thing as it had been banging at the door for years but was never let in..but now 20 odd years on and hearing Enter Sandman at least once a week ...still , and generally on ROCKIN FRIDAY ! along with the standard Van Halen JUMP ..ugh..just reinforces my belief that radio stations and their mainstream target audience is in general brain dead and loves repetitiveness , the guys at work prove this everday, one of them is actually singing along now to Pink, another wonder of the airwaves with at least 10 plays a week on all three mainstream stations here in Brisbane.
Another fine example of mainstream radio and its killing of songs was Gotye's song 'Someone that i used to know' , now i wasnt a big fan to start of with, just a bit too poppy and repetetive , all of the mainstream stations here picked it up and i heard it playing , on the stations AT THE SAME FUKN TIME! wtf ? Many days i heard it three times between 6.30 am and 4 pm.Now... i don't harbour any resentment for Gotye, in fact i liked his earlier stuff years ago, but if i saw him i could quite happily punch him in the ear.Repetitively.
Is there a solution ?
Well.. one place i worked at , large workshop with about 40-50 guys, was a constant music battle , mainstream versing non mainstream indie/unknown/up and coming new local artist type station. Solution. after everyone went home..one of the guys went around and glued the knobs of all the radios to the indie station, problem solved :)
I recommend tarzans grip (tm) ..and lots of it, really glue that knob, dont be sparing , let it dribble all the way down inside so there is no chance that Chad and his friends will ever get any airplay in your ear, or just be happy with what the mainstream radio forcefeeds and eat it up like its Groundhog Day.
THE MODERN WORKPLACE
If your lucky you dont work in a lab rat style controlled enviroment, where every thing you do is monitored one way or another, where you have to back yourself up by saving your sent emails to prove you have done what is required off you, where 'Proactive ..not Reactive' is the slogan, where OHS meetings dominate in between mini management and staff meetings..Where monthly budgets are more important than the so called service to customers that is brandished across the company websites. (which is the only site your allowed to connect to on your IT restricted internet anyway )Where upper management is someones puppet, controlled from above and quite happily goes about their important day to day tasks , crossing their T's and dotting their I's lest word get out they have not performed as per company standards.Yes even they have an assehole to lick, just like you do every day.And they lick it merrily because that's where the money comes from.
They expect you to lick it as well, conform and play the game - they lick above them.. you lick theirs.Its a ladder of licking and you are at the bottom , most probably.
Then there is the three form warning and goodbye.Except thats a joke.An empty threat to keep you in line and following the company mantra.
How many times have you worked with a totally imcompetent person ..and they are either still there or have outlived good staff who have got the shits and moved on, and the company lets them , quite happily.What they want is nice conforming people who will show up at time A do required work B and leave at time C.Now surely thats a formula for a standard workplace ? Except the B stands for Boredom and Bullshit ..and licking..with a silent B.
.. once you have entered the gates,supposedly the barb wire at top is to keep criminals out..no..thats to keep you in my friend, they will tell you that ' this workplace is different, we are moving forward, we listen to you and think your views are important. We pride ourselves as proactive and solution solving, customer service is our number 1 goal. Excuse me while i sneeze.. * BOOOOSHIT! * ..( there's that B again) Most of the speeches go something like that anyway. Its a standard company line supposed to make you feel like..hey , they actually care, i'm a customer too, i want to be treated like someone gives a fuk, this place will be good for me!
Fast forward a few months and you are banging your head against the door in the dunny while bleeding from the eyes because you realised you are surrounded by monkeys who are plying a company line , everything is coming from above and there is no difference here, nothing changes , it works the way the company says and you toe the line , regardless of the glaring inefficiencies, all suggestions you have made have gone nowhere..of course they let you move a few things around , utter a few words at meetings and maybe even make some minute changes here and there just to keep your whiny ass quiet. But in general its the same, you can see the same mistakes day in and day out, you have pointed this out a hundred times ( whiner ) you have come up with ideas about how to fast track processes.But you still remain there fixing the latest fuk up , which was the same as yesterdays fuk up and the one before it..and probably made by the useless incompetent co worker they will not sack because they dont have any balls.
You try to send an email at lunch to a mate, get some contact in the real world, email denied.Dial up Cracked.com for a quick head relief..Website has been found to have malicious content..denied. But what? Didnt you just see management looking at youtube five minutes ago in between emailing his friends about the new sportscar he just brought while on his trip to the Sydney 'Business Meeting'... What you didnt even get any input? Oh yeh thats right, they threw you some tickets to some sports event you have no interest in .Happy times :) And then there was the work BBQ , hey we are shit at really giving a fuk, but here ..have a fucking sausage ! And then of course while you are trying to enjoy your scrap of food thrown to you by your ass licker who in turn is your ass lickee, they turn it into a mini meeting and exspouse figures and goals and pat everyone on the back..and you suck it up, your part of a team man ! there is no us and them, thats why you all wear the same coloured shirts guys and gals, wait up.. what..management doesnt ?
So as you sit there in your fluoro hi vis workwear , reading the latest OH and S crap or a new company email ( oh the joy! ) on procedures and hwo your company is mightily pressing forward, entering your paperwork like a good little monkey should and backing up your sent items lest you be blamed for something that you had nothing to do with ( Management must have someone to blame because the procedures are in place so the sytem must work and the shit never splatters far enough to stain their uncreased clothing ) ... recall the first day you went for that interview , was this what you envisioned ?
Solution : Lick as much ass as you can , do everything they tell you when they tell you,believe that management thinks your different because they tell you so, do not whine, move up the ladder so you can lick bigger ass and thus put more money in your bank.Only show initiative when you know its something they will agree too and will follow the company line.Lick more ass. Enjoy the Mainstream radio station that is played daily, say..i'm on it! and be their lap dog. Praise shit incompetent workers and even recommend promotion for them ! Call all customers fuckwits behind their backs and laugh with management about it, hey they only pay your wage right ? and remember there is always someone toungeing ass just as hard as you are..so dig in and dig in good! Out tounge the competition guys and gals and pump Bon Jovi in the background !
ASSET SIZE
You know, one time , back in the day, i actually did some research on breasts and womans bodies, what was preferred over time, basically what was hot and when.. if you come down to it.
Cmon, its a damn super interesting subject ! As i suspected it basically came down to - what was liked at one time will be again and it just goes around in a neverending boob circle. We liked fat ones, medium ones , small ones, the preferred look is always changing..and we all like different types.. but one of the things i have learnt with ladies is that they prefer more up front. Regardless of how much we like what they have, but most guys like what they have, or to be more precise, what their lady has for them :) but still , most ladies seem to want more..
I mean, let's put it in man perspective, you slingin only a .22 and old mate beside you has a .45 .. you tellin me your 100% happy ? No matter how much of a good shot that thing is , even scoped out. Sure, it might do the job, but if your packin more heat, the confidence is always going to be a notch higher when it comes time to show your credentials. Obviously that aint all there is too it, but it is certainly a big draw card.
It isn't just us ( men ) trying to figure them out, were both doing the dance. and a lot of people ( most ) play the cards they see right in front of them, they dont look any deeper.
Explain big cleavage and its instant draw to men and i will stand corrected.
Solution : Stay away from the knife, if your man aint happy with your breast's , trade him in.
Cmon, its a damn super interesting subject ! As i suspected it basically came down to - what was liked at one time will be again and it just goes around in a neverending boob circle. We liked fat ones, medium ones , small ones, the preferred look is always changing..and we all like different types.. but one of the things i have learnt with ladies is that they prefer more up front. Regardless of how much we like what they have, but most guys like what they have, or to be more precise, what their lady has for them :) but still , most ladies seem to want more..
I mean, let's put it in man perspective, you slingin only a .22 and old mate beside you has a .45 .. you tellin me your 100% happy ? No matter how much of a good shot that thing is , even scoped out. Sure, it might do the job, but if your packin more heat, the confidence is always going to be a notch higher when it comes time to show your credentials. Obviously that aint all there is too it, but it is certainly a big draw card.
It isn't just us ( men ) trying to figure them out, were both doing the dance. and a lot of people ( most ) play the cards they see right in front of them, they dont look any deeper.
Explain big cleavage and its instant draw to men and i will stand corrected.
Solution : Stay away from the knife, if your man aint happy with your breast's , trade him in.
DRIVING IN BRISBANE..FUEL.
Would you leave home with this much fuel in your tank ? Neither would i..except i did. Thats my fuel gauge about 1 kilometre from home..actually measuiring it on google maps it was 1.3 k's.
Being 25 kilometres from work this puts me drastically short, 23 odd k's from my beloved paperwork.At 6.05 am on the motorway.And no jerry can in the back to save me.Boo.
So after the ridiculous trying to start the car after i drifted into the breakdown lane, i knew i had no juice so wtf was i doing trying to start the thing? Where was God know in my time of need..was this a test ? Would there now be lions i would have to battle on my journey to the nearest service station ? Was this fate and i was stopped at the site of an inbound Nickelback concert..and i would have to fight Chad , armed with nothing but my keys and a heavy metal soundtrack in my head? I opened the door and strode out to face my destiny..
It finally dawned on me ..i was simply out of fuel and would have to walk to the servo.Another check on Google maps puts it just 1.7 ks away from where i currently am , so 10 minutes max.
I think about thumbing a lift but then just start walking, no way am i putting up with someone else's early morning mainstream music or more than likely their friendly axe sitting just behind the passenger seat.The old get a quick lift trick and wake up a few hours later in a basement hanging from your feet by meathooks with some fat slobby dude in a cloth mask telling you how his parents abandoned him as a child and he was raised in the grasslands of inner surburbia by a pack of wild cats and a homeless man. And that i remind him off his dad. Aint falling for that old gem.
So walk walk walk, admiring the amount of beer bottles and smirnoff cans on the verge, looks like the old 'you drink drive and we will catch you' campaign is floundering. Going by the amount of alcoholic beverages thrown out windows..this part of the motorway seems like PARTY TIME WOOOO! And it may just be 6.10 but damn do i feel like a smirnoff!
6.15ish and i make the servo, wander in and grab a coke , perch up at the counter and wait for old mate to serve me.
'yeah mate..'
'mornin dude, do you guys have a fuel container i could use ? i ran out fuel about 2 k's back'
'um waitup, i'll jis check' ..walks out back
i entertain the thought of stealing and eating one of the chocolate frogs staring at me in a container on the counter..
' hey nah, we dont have one'
'What?..your a servo arent you??'
'yeh but its illegal for us to give you a container'
' illegal..wtf?, i ran out of fuel not freakin TNT'
'Yeh nah, we aint allowed to give em out anymore'
' fuk me! You need to take the word Service out of Service Station then if you cant help anyone with something like this.'
servo guy looks at roof clearly not wanting any sort of confrontation..
'um we have fuel containers for sale at the back..'
' ...FUK ME..'
I leave my coke and walk out, pissed.My plan is to walk to the next servo about half a click down the road, but think..shit..they are probably the same.So i turn around and waltz back, grab a 750ml Icebreak coffee milk - because they come in a thick plastic container. Pay my 3.50 and waltz out to the bowser, tip the coffee flavoured milk into the drain (sorry Dolphins) and fill it up..1.39 for 750 ml of go juice, walk back in and pay. My Icebreak stinking of fuel.
He notices but says not a word..apparently filling drink containers with fuel must not be illegal.
So i wander back to my car and very carefully pour in every drop.Luckily my massive 1990 mazda 121 ( the 1.3 big block version) does not require two or three litres just sitting in the tank for it to even start.Pump the go pedal, flick the switch and away i launch , in charge of my destiny again :) I drive past what was my every week non-service service station and go to the one down the road. After i fill up i ask the guy if they keep a fuel can for people who run out of fuel..
looks at me weirdly..
' of course..we are a service station'
Solution : Dont run your car dry unless you want to take happy snaps like the one below..
Being 25 kilometres from work this puts me drastically short, 23 odd k's from my beloved paperwork.At 6.05 am on the motorway.And no jerry can in the back to save me.Boo.
So after the ridiculous trying to start the car after i drifted into the breakdown lane, i knew i had no juice so wtf was i doing trying to start the thing? Where was God know in my time of need..was this a test ? Would there now be lions i would have to battle on my journey to the nearest service station ? Was this fate and i was stopped at the site of an inbound Nickelback concert..and i would have to fight Chad , armed with nothing but my keys and a heavy metal soundtrack in my head? I opened the door and strode out to face my destiny..
It finally dawned on me ..i was simply out of fuel and would have to walk to the servo.Another check on Google maps puts it just 1.7 ks away from where i currently am , so 10 minutes max.
I think about thumbing a lift but then just start walking, no way am i putting up with someone else's early morning mainstream music or more than likely their friendly axe sitting just behind the passenger seat.The old get a quick lift trick and wake up a few hours later in a basement hanging from your feet by meathooks with some fat slobby dude in a cloth mask telling you how his parents abandoned him as a child and he was raised in the grasslands of inner surburbia by a pack of wild cats and a homeless man. And that i remind him off his dad. Aint falling for that old gem.
So walk walk walk, admiring the amount of beer bottles and smirnoff cans on the verge, looks like the old 'you drink drive and we will catch you' campaign is floundering. Going by the amount of alcoholic beverages thrown out windows..this part of the motorway seems like PARTY TIME WOOOO! And it may just be 6.10 but damn do i feel like a smirnoff!
6.15ish and i make the servo, wander in and grab a coke , perch up at the counter and wait for old mate to serve me.
'yeah mate..'
'mornin dude, do you guys have a fuel container i could use ? i ran out fuel about 2 k's back'
'um waitup, i'll jis check' ..walks out back
i entertain the thought of stealing and eating one of the chocolate frogs staring at me in a container on the counter..
' hey nah, we dont have one'
'What?..your a servo arent you??'
'yeh but its illegal for us to give you a container'
' illegal..wtf?, i ran out of fuel not freakin TNT'
'Yeh nah, we aint allowed to give em out anymore'
' fuk me! You need to take the word Service out of Service Station then if you cant help anyone with something like this.'
servo guy looks at roof clearly not wanting any sort of confrontation..
'um we have fuel containers for sale at the back..'
' ...FUK ME..'
I leave my coke and walk out, pissed.My plan is to walk to the next servo about half a click down the road, but think..shit..they are probably the same.So i turn around and waltz back, grab a 750ml Icebreak coffee milk - because they come in a thick plastic container. Pay my 3.50 and waltz out to the bowser, tip the coffee flavoured milk into the drain (sorry Dolphins) and fill it up..1.39 for 750 ml of go juice, walk back in and pay. My Icebreak stinking of fuel.
He notices but says not a word..apparently filling drink containers with fuel must not be illegal.
So i wander back to my car and very carefully pour in every drop.Luckily my massive 1990 mazda 121 ( the 1.3 big block version) does not require two or three litres just sitting in the tank for it to even start.Pump the go pedal, flick the switch and away i launch , in charge of my destiny again :) I drive past what was my every week non-service service station and go to the one down the road. After i fill up i ask the guy if they keep a fuel can for people who run out of fuel..
looks at me weirdly..
' of course..we are a service station'
Solution : Dont run your car dry unless you want to take happy snaps like the one below..
MORNING COFFEE
There isn't a lot to be said about coffee so i will sum it up fairly quickly, i don't like girly coffee like vanilla frappes with whipped cream, or some latte la de da freakin bullshit with fake sugar and pretty little chocolate dust on top. When i want hot coffee i want some real shit..i want to feel like a fucking dirty bomb just woke up my snoozing brain and kicked it violently and abusively into a new day.
If it isnt gritty and doesnt taste like burnt dirt with a cows udder innards spilt on it or remind you of a hard day out fighting clowns armed with colt .45's in the middle of a desolate dry wind blown desert where you are so focused you can see every grain of sun smelted sand ..then it aint coffee.
Redbull and all those crap energy drinks aint got nothin on a throat searing real coffee. Give me ten red bulls and i'll show you ten dead clowns who thought they could take the crown.
If it isnt gritty and doesnt taste like burnt dirt with a cows udder innards spilt on it or remind you of a hard day out fighting clowns armed with colt .45's in the middle of a desolate dry wind blown desert where you are so focused you can see every grain of sun smelted sand ..then it aint coffee.
Redbull and all those crap energy drinks aint got nothin on a throat searing real coffee. Give me ten red bulls and i'll show you ten dead clowns who thought they could take the crown.
NO LOVE FOR TITANICS SISTERS
The ship that brought me home you say ? The only thing the Titanic brought home was that unsinkable ships are indeed sinkable.But then again this picture is not the Titanic, it is one of her sister ships, the Olympic.Otherwise known as 'Old Reliable', not really a name you could put on Titanic is it ? You don't see any big budget movies being made about Olympic or the other sister ship, Britannic. Olympics story is far more exciting too, lets see,the closest Titanic even got to New York was nearly colliding with a ship in harbour called (ironically enough) New York.When she ran her motors up she broke the New Yorks mooring lines and the New York drifted and missed her by mere feet. The passengers should have alighted right there and then and called it a day. The Olympic made it to New York and many other worldy places..several times..and back. It even survived many collisions and put a big fuck you in the German Navies eye by ramming and sinking a submarine in World War 1.The only merchant type ship to do so.
The German submarine U-103 had planned to torpedo the Olympic when it was spotted but could not flood (irony again) the torpedo tubes to launch their torpedoes. Because the German's were still at that silly stage of thinking they could win a war with Britain , and besides it was only a merchant ship anyway, they submerged and ran parallel to the Olympic. Captain Fuck You Germans on the Olympic promptly turned and ran over the silly underwater tube that the Germans were in , popping it with his massive sub killing port propeller and then sailed on to Cherbourg in France, leaving the remaining Germans to be picked up by a lesser ship.
The Olympics first prang was with one her own , the British Cruiser, HMS Hawke. Investigation found that the suction generated by the massive Olympic pulled the Hawke off course and into the Olympic. I say the Olympic was just telling other ships not to fuck with it. As a side note-HMS Hawke was later sunk by a torpedo. No ramming skills apparently.
This collision was important in her career and Titanics as the Olympic had to go back into dry dock for repairs thus pulling resources off the nearly completed Titanic and changing her planned sailing date. Number two for dont fuck with me once again goes to Olympic.
Olympic was about 100 miles away when everyone on board the Titanic was realising that unsinkable meant ' holy fuck we are sinking! ' . Olympic, in her ' i am the king of the world' way was heading to help when Carpathia radioed and said ' all good we have Rose and Molly Brown. dont worry Jack has drowned..their will not be a part 2' . I would like to think that Olympic then rammed a whale or some other sea creature out of sheer joy but she just sailed on..as ships that dominate all others do.
The Olympic then entered the war and was threatened with sinking by the Germans, if they ever saw her..we all know that turned out. In October 1914 the British Battleship HMS Audacious signalled she had hit a mine and was taking on water. The Olympic sensing a chance for a good ramming headed to her position and then tried to tow the Audacious..yes TOW A FUCKING BATTLESHIIP! The silly navy men kept getting the tow lines caught in the propellers of another Navy ship and the effort was abandoned. Olympic took on survivors and sailed away leaving the battleship to go down and hang with the Titanic and other lesser ships. The Olympic was then fitted out with some smal guns- pew pew- and turned into a troop transport for the duration of world war 1 , carting troops and supplies for the goodies in her i dont give a fuck sort of way. She earned her name of 'Old Reliable' during this period and never hit one iceberg, or sunk. She didnt even snap in half, not once.
After the war (1919) she was refittted and re-engined bringing her back to her snazzy original look and made it all the way to 1934 before she decided to ram another ship. Funnily enough she chose just outside of New York Harbour to do this, in fog..very sly and sneakily. The Nantucket lightship LV117 was moored outside of the harbour to help guide ships in via radio and light beacons. The Olympic guided herself straight through the middle of the LV117 and said 'check out my 75 times your puny length'. Seven of the LV117'S crew found the Olympic was indeed unsinkable and died from their injuries. Unfortunately in 1935 Olympic was withdrawn from service due to age and sold for scrap. This, after 257 round trips to America, which was exactly 257 more than the Titanic made.Their would be no more ramming victories for Old Reliable.
The other sister ship , the Britannic, was the largest of the three weighing in at 53,000 tons and was converted to a hospital ship in 1915. She tried to apply her sisters ramming skills but being far less talented than the Olympic and indeed even the Titanic she rammed a tiny mine in 1916 and sank in only fifty five minutes. Apparently the nurses left the lower windows open which hastened the water influx. Luckily ,for these two weakling sisters, the Olympic carried the torch high for many years and left a nearly unbeatable record that other liners have yet to match. And never once did anyone stand at the bow and scream..' i am the king of the world ! ' Olympic would have rammed them.
The German submarine U-103 had planned to torpedo the Olympic when it was spotted but could not flood (irony again) the torpedo tubes to launch their torpedoes. Because the German's were still at that silly stage of thinking they could win a war with Britain , and besides it was only a merchant ship anyway, they submerged and ran parallel to the Olympic. Captain Fuck You Germans on the Olympic promptly turned and ran over the silly underwater tube that the Germans were in , popping it with his massive sub killing port propeller and then sailed on to Cherbourg in France, leaving the remaining Germans to be picked up by a lesser ship.
The Olympics first prang was with one her own , the British Cruiser, HMS Hawke. Investigation found that the suction generated by the massive Olympic pulled the Hawke off course and into the Olympic. I say the Olympic was just telling other ships not to fuck with it. As a side note-HMS Hawke was later sunk by a torpedo. No ramming skills apparently.
This collision was important in her career and Titanics as the Olympic had to go back into dry dock for repairs thus pulling resources off the nearly completed Titanic and changing her planned sailing date. Number two for dont fuck with me once again goes to Olympic.
Olympic was about 100 miles away when everyone on board the Titanic was realising that unsinkable meant ' holy fuck we are sinking! ' . Olympic, in her ' i am the king of the world' way was heading to help when Carpathia radioed and said ' all good we have Rose and Molly Brown. dont worry Jack has drowned..their will not be a part 2' . I would like to think that Olympic then rammed a whale or some other sea creature out of sheer joy but she just sailed on..as ships that dominate all others do.
The Olympic then entered the war and was threatened with sinking by the Germans, if they ever saw her..we all know that turned out. In October 1914 the British Battleship HMS Audacious signalled she had hit a mine and was taking on water. The Olympic sensing a chance for a good ramming headed to her position and then tried to tow the Audacious..yes TOW A FUCKING BATTLESHIIP! The silly navy men kept getting the tow lines caught in the propellers of another Navy ship and the effort was abandoned. Olympic took on survivors and sailed away leaving the battleship to go down and hang with the Titanic and other lesser ships. The Olympic was then fitted out with some smal guns- pew pew- and turned into a troop transport for the duration of world war 1 , carting troops and supplies for the goodies in her i dont give a fuck sort of way. She earned her name of 'Old Reliable' during this period and never hit one iceberg, or sunk. She didnt even snap in half, not once.
After the war (1919) she was refittted and re-engined bringing her back to her snazzy original look and made it all the way to 1934 before she decided to ram another ship. Funnily enough she chose just outside of New York Harbour to do this, in fog..very sly and sneakily. The Nantucket lightship LV117 was moored outside of the harbour to help guide ships in via radio and light beacons. The Olympic guided herself straight through the middle of the LV117 and said 'check out my 75 times your puny length'. Seven of the LV117'S crew found the Olympic was indeed unsinkable and died from their injuries. Unfortunately in 1935 Olympic was withdrawn from service due to age and sold for scrap. This, after 257 round trips to America, which was exactly 257 more than the Titanic made.Their would be no more ramming victories for Old Reliable.
The other sister ship , the Britannic, was the largest of the three weighing in at 53,000 tons and was converted to a hospital ship in 1915. She tried to apply her sisters ramming skills but being far less talented than the Olympic and indeed even the Titanic she rammed a tiny mine in 1916 and sank in only fifty five minutes. Apparently the nurses left the lower windows open which hastened the water influx. Luckily ,for these two weakling sisters, the Olympic carried the torch high for many years and left a nearly unbeatable record that other liners have yet to match. And never once did anyone stand at the bow and scream..' i am the king of the world ! ' Olympic would have rammed them.
DRINKING
A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop.
He walks up to her and punches her in the face.
When she falls to the ground, he starts screaming, "You're not so tough now, are you, Batman?"
SHAKESPEAREAN PORN
Just imagine..how cool could it be :) We have all seen porn at one time or another and the acting is fuckn dreadful. But who cares anyway, its all about the money shot so very few words are needed...but if they threw in some olde skool english at least you could have a smile on your dial while watching some chick get fourwayed...
' Oh Richard , thy thickness of shaft doth penetrate me ! '
' A cock A COCK! MY KINGDOM FOR A COCK!'
' Tempt not a desperate man lassie , for thy will feel the wrath of ones lenghtened sword!'
' He hath eatn me like none before! Thine pussy is swelled and well satisfied! '
' Cry havoc and let slip the swords of war ! '
' The sun shineth offfeth your royal member and my eyes are awater in anticipation ! Let me taste it now or forever be left hungered ! '
' Is this a sword which i see before me ? Its knob towards my mouth ? '
' Let me take thee and plungeth my weapon to the deepest of the darkness, thoust shall scream for mercy but i will hasten thy stroke and maketh it a quick ending '
' Blow me like the bitter wind and cast out the demons within thine shaft ! '
' Sweet Cynthia, yon mouth in pretty face is the home my sword craves for ! '
' My breasts are all aquiver now that thoust has unslung ones manhood . Come hither to me , rubbeth thy protrusive bulge on my puffy desire so that one may become aroused ..'
Daily usage
These are things one could try at home and use to surprise your lady with..for example..you come home from work and she is cooking ravioli over the stove..
' Stirreth the broth i see my lass, methinks one could do with a thicker spoon ..' ..that should get her attention better than ..hey..whats for dinner fuckface ? she will most likely reply..wtf ..you been at the pub again you drunken retard ? Dont be put off by her sweetalk..continue..
' No mlady , one drop of the wicked ale has not these lips touched, they are only wanting for the tastes of your fair desire, betwixt your thighs ' before she has a chance to reply simply sweep her up and carry her to your chamber..' light as a feather are thee , thy diet has shedden the weight like a man beheaded ! ' by now she should be swooning in your arms so ramp it up and start dropping some serious lines.. ' Thine package has thought of nought but your mound of eternal wetness ! See now the unleashed beast and gaze uponeth its throbbing shining gloss ! ' ..utterly stunned she no doubt will be by now , and wondering what is next, you know what needs to be done.. ' cry not my love, for these few seconds of utmost shaftness shall seem an age, unlike any others before me, shield thine eyes lest ye be blinded ! ' ..and of course to finish it off a few seconds later..
' Such a lovemaking hath never person nor god seen the equal , speak not now for sleep doth cometh hastily to thee...'
Backup plan (always have one)
If for some insane reason your beloved has no understanding of what you are trying to achieve..drop straight into pirate talk and actions ... ' ARRRRRR me fat little second mate! I see your fine cheeks are as white as a man drained of blood and are in need of a good spanking arrrrrRRR! (at this point throw the ravioli out the window and hoist her over you shoulder like a potato sack) ' Ye be coming to me room where i will make ye walk the plank all the way to the back door ARRRRR! Not even the devil himself below or the good lord above ( cross yourself twice ) will stop me from the abominations that are aaAARRRR-bout to happen in this den ! ( throw her on the bed spreadeagled ) Aaaye ... twill be a good rogerin' you are bound for my little flowaaaaaAAARRR! ( dive on the bed, sword in hand )
' Oh Richard , thy thickness of shaft doth penetrate me ! '
' A cock A COCK! MY KINGDOM FOR A COCK!'
' Tempt not a desperate man lassie , for thy will feel the wrath of ones lenghtened sword!'
' He hath eatn me like none before! Thine pussy is swelled and well satisfied! '
' Cry havoc and let slip the swords of war ! '
' The sun shineth offfeth your royal member and my eyes are awater in anticipation ! Let me taste it now or forever be left hungered ! '
' Is this a sword which i see before me ? Its knob towards my mouth ? '
' Let me take thee and plungeth my weapon to the deepest of the darkness, thoust shall scream for mercy but i will hasten thy stroke and maketh it a quick ending '
' Blow me like the bitter wind and cast out the demons within thine shaft ! '
' Sweet Cynthia, yon mouth in pretty face is the home my sword craves for ! '
' My breasts are all aquiver now that thoust has unslung ones manhood . Come hither to me , rubbeth thy protrusive bulge on my puffy desire so that one may become aroused ..'
Daily usage
These are things one could try at home and use to surprise your lady with..for example..you come home from work and she is cooking ravioli over the stove..
' Stirreth the broth i see my lass, methinks one could do with a thicker spoon ..' ..that should get her attention better than ..hey..whats for dinner fuckface ? she will most likely reply..wtf ..you been at the pub again you drunken retard ? Dont be put off by her sweetalk..continue..
' No mlady , one drop of the wicked ale has not these lips touched, they are only wanting for the tastes of your fair desire, betwixt your thighs ' before she has a chance to reply simply sweep her up and carry her to your chamber..' light as a feather are thee , thy diet has shedden the weight like a man beheaded ! ' by now she should be swooning in your arms so ramp it up and start dropping some serious lines.. ' Thine package has thought of nought but your mound of eternal wetness ! See now the unleashed beast and gaze uponeth its throbbing shining gloss ! ' ..utterly stunned she no doubt will be by now , and wondering what is next, you know what needs to be done.. ' cry not my love, for these few seconds of utmost shaftness shall seem an age, unlike any others before me, shield thine eyes lest ye be blinded ! ' ..and of course to finish it off a few seconds later..
' Such a lovemaking hath never person nor god seen the equal , speak not now for sleep doth cometh hastily to thee...'
Backup plan (always have one)
If for some insane reason your beloved has no understanding of what you are trying to achieve..drop straight into pirate talk and actions ... ' ARRRRRR me fat little second mate! I see your fine cheeks are as white as a man drained of blood and are in need of a good spanking arrrrrRRR! (at this point throw the ravioli out the window and hoist her over you shoulder like a potato sack) ' Ye be coming to me room where i will make ye walk the plank all the way to the back door ARRRRR! Not even the devil himself below or the good lord above ( cross yourself twice ) will stop me from the abominations that are aaAARRRR-bout to happen in this den ! ( throw her on the bed spreadeagled ) Aaaye ... twill be a good rogerin' you are bound for my little flowaaaaaAAARRR! ( dive on the bed, sword in hand )